Depressive Episodes

by Gillian Mulder

TW: DEPRESSION

BEEP BEEP BEEP. My alarm goes off. I wake up just enough to lift my arm up and press the snooze button. ​

I lie in silence as I stare at the ceiling.

I should get up to go to class. I have an early lecture today.

But I don’t. I just stay in bed. A heavy feeling presses down on my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.

Is it even worth going to class? I just want to do nothing. In the end nothing matters, right? We’ll all die alone in the end, and one day no one will remember us or what we did. I should just stay in bed.

The pressure persists, and my chest hurts, I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like getting up. It feels impossible now.

I wish the world would go away. Maybe I should go away--

BEEP BEEP BEEP. My alarm goes off again. I turn it off, and look at the time. It’s 6:45 a.m.

I take a deep breath. Inhale. Wait three seconds. Exhale. Repeat until pressure feels more bearable. 

I need to get up, this is not an option. If I go to this lecture homework will be easier, and life will go smoothly. If I get up.

I get up, but my body feels as if it is just falling down. I feel heavy.

I go to the bathroom, and take my antidepressants. I feel like I’m choking down lead.

I head to the kitchen, where I see my roommate.

“There you are, I was wondering when you were going to get up.” 

I say nothing. She doesn’t need to know my problems.

“You okay?” She asks.

I hesitate. “No…”

“Do you want to talk about it?”
​
If you suffer from depression, and you have a depressive episode (like Suzie here), there are many ways to help cope with that in the present moment. These include:

• Contact a suicide prevention hotline, or other online chat groups.
• Go through a list of things you are grateful for. Life is more precious to you than you think.
• Seek human contact and talk to someone you trust: Even if your first instinct is to isolate yourself, talking to someone—whether it is a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to openly express your feelings to can be helpful.
• Keep up with medication (if prescribed).
• Go outside.

Click here for more information on depressive episodes.

Suicide is never the answer. There is always another option. Click here for tips on coping with suicidal thoughts.

For specific strategies to combat depressive episodes, click here.

For safety measures to plan ahead for depressive episodes, click here.

Gillian Mulder, BHSEC Queens
Staff Writer

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